Most people don’t know that while I was engaged he was in full control of the finances and I was on a budget. He had convinced me to quit all three jobs I had entering the relationship, have a child with him, be a stay at home mom, and he would financially provide for us all. Although he always told people I had “freedom” with the funds, I had to ask permission for his cards (yes, you read that right- HIS cards- even though he said it was “equal”). I was often put on a budget for groceries and had to ask for his debit card to purchase groceries. If there was a rare chance my oldest child (not his bio child) received a child support check from her dad, I would sometimes use this to feed our family because my fiancee really convinced me that there were limited funds. I had no idea that my (ex) fiancee earned well over $25/hour, had stocks he hid from me, or his multiple banking accounts he had access to. He has since admitted in court records that I was able to use his account via asking for his debit card, his credit cards or asking him for cash.

I was not allowed to workout at any gyms where there were other men and I found one that was a women’s only gym. There I connected with the amazing owner and other members, and I shared the relationship struggles with them. I asked for all insights and resources as possible, and was given the information of a therapist. I chose this therapist because he also would not let me leave the house without him, and this therapist did house calls. He would even intentionally take his lunch break from work to come home and listen to my therapy sessions. When the therapist and I would ask him to leave the (small) home, he would tell both the therapist and I he was waiting just in case our baby woke up. I did not care if our baby listened to my therapy sessions- I did care about if my (now ex) fiancee listed to my sessions. Immediately the therapist was concerned for me and even said "It is the quiet ones you really have to watch out for.” I remember every detail of her stating this like it was yesterday.

At times he would become angry with me and stop giving me cash to pay the therapist- therefore I would have to cancel my therapy sessions. It still puzzles me as to why someone who was so convinced- and still tries to tell court- that I have mental issues would block mental health care.

The therapist quickly realized that this was an abusive relationship, and suggested that I start stashing cash to leave. She knew finances were a point of control for him and I was stuck. I took her suggestion and began stashing cash. I am still shocked he never found it or caught on. I was hiding envelopes of cash between our mattresses, the top of our closet, in my underwear drawer- and kept moving it around the room we shared so he wouldn’t find it. There’s other spots I considered, and utilized.

Looking back I wish I received more resources and suggestions on where to stash cash because mine was so obvious- although not obvious to him. So I am sharing suggestions with you all just in case you happened to currently be in a situation that I was once in.

I want to preface this by saying always be careful in abusive situations, and this is not legal advice. Just one survivor to another.

10 Places to stash your cash

1. In an envelope stashed under the mattresses.

2. In tampon wrappers. For an example, click here.

3. Hide within the backs of picture frames

4. In an envelope stored in a plastic bag, then in the soil of a potted plant

5. Stored in a small bag and placed in your Holiday storage bins. Such as Xmas or Halloween decorations that you get out only once a year.

6. Hide smaller amounts within the stuffing of your decor pillows

7. Rip up a corner of your carpet in your closet and store in a small envelope. Cover back up with carpet to hide.

8. Hide in an envelope wrapped with foil, in a storage bag and stored in the back of your freezer

9. Empty out a cleaning supply bottle and use it as a secret “piggy bank”, storing it with the other cleaning supplies - if they do not normally clean with them.

10. Inside the lining of suitcases and store with a burner phone!
    
    
    

When I left this relationship I went to a shelter for domestic violence and received assistance in filing a restraining order. Even though I was grateful for this, there were so many additional steps I missed when escaping my abuser. I realized there were not many resources or advocates, especially in my area, who fully “got it”. I went back to school (mostly funded by government assistance) and started collecting degrees and certifications in related fields so I could assists other victims who are navigating the same situations I did. I want to be the change I needed when I was in it.

If you find yourself in this situation, prep your escape and find a team of people who are truly able to help you. One on One sessions are available with Tori from Onyx Arrow Consulting by clicking here. You can also find more information via TikTok by clicking here, where I offer multiple LIVE q&a’s for free. Help is available!

While a lawyer in your area may help you with the legal process of escaping from an abusive relationship, I fully believe there is an additional layer of support when you have a team of people.

Another great resource is The National Domestic Violence Hotline. Click here for more.