Your abuser will use your biggest fears against you, and they usually learn these from the beginning of the relationship when they are love bombing you. Most of the time they prey on your fear of abandonment, and will trigger you throughout the relationship, which then becomes the biggest game of fear factor.

What I mean by this is- they know you are afraid of being alone.

Did you know this is actually co-dependency? This could have been a trait you had prior to the relationship with your abuser- like one created from childhood trauma, or one they created by isolating you and making you think you are solely dependent on them.

I’m going to change your mindset.

Let’s pretend they leave. Let’s pretend you leave. And you don’t look back-ever. If you are already having panic reading this- stop. Solely focus on the words.

You have actually learned survival skills being with your abuser. Some of my clients have learned to how to make meals from nothing because of the abuser being in control of finances and not providing enough for food, some have had to remain calm in abuse so that their children do not hear the abuse, some have had to provide heat via chopping their own wood..

but here is how I see it: You have learned to remain calm. You have learned to be resourceful. You have learned to provide for your children even with nothing but nature. Your abuser puts you in situations they cannot survive- but they are not you.

Sometimes being in the abuse feels like the darkest tunnel, and you are unable to think clearly and out of panic you react in fear- which is absolutely what it is since your abuser grooms you. Rather than trying to understand why you are being groomed- guess what happens when you sit in the darkness for long periods of time?

No, it’s not you give up… Your eyes adjust!

Sitting in darkness then makes you rely on your other senses, even when your eyes adjust. You have to move slower to navigate your way out. Even when you go in full panic mode, it does not cause your eyes to adjust to the darkness faster. You simply have to sit there, pause, and adjust once you can see better. Even in the darkest of dark, you still have your sense of hearing, sense of smell, and sense of touch - all of which can help you.

Your abuser will think they have won by abandoning you in the most frightening way- by leaving you in the darkest tunnel possible- but what happens when you remain calm, and you make darkness your friend?

The tables will turn and your opponent will become triggered, scared, and frantic that you have risen from the darkness- using similar tools that you learned while in the abuse.

So.. welcome the dark. Sit in the unknown. Then rise like a phoenix when they least expect it.

“She wears strength and darkness equally well. The girl has always been half goddess, half hell.”