Is it Postpartum Depression or your abuser?

I can recall one specific pregnancy, and childbirth, that I struggled harder than the others. It was an odd feeling because it felt like these feelings would go away when I wasn’t in the home with my then-partner. I remember trying to research ways to make myself feel better (because my then-partner didn’t care to) and I looked on a mom’s only facebook group. I read other moms suggest planning things to look forward to, like a vacation, with your partner. I thought this might be the gateway to get help, or feel more positive, since it also included my (controlling) partner, but I would suggest these things, and he would be turn the idea down.

When our child was an infant I kept asking my then-partner to help me more, I would ask him to take the baby for more time, and even for him to watch the kids while I sat alone in the backyard (the furthest I could go unsupervised from him) simply to drink my cup of coffee and feel the sun for the day. Most of the time he refused. I can recall him telling me I had anxiety and I should stop asking for help and stop drinking coffee. I wasn’t sure how to do this as caffeine helps my migraines and I was exhausted taking care of the kids all alone. I thought it was odd that he not only wouldn’t step up to help much, but later I found out (rather than helping me more) he went off and talked to his friends about me. However, not one time did he say to me that he diagnosed me with PPD to his friends. Not one time was he honest with them in actually telling them not one single Dr diagnosed me with PPD.

I (stupidly) believed everything he told me- without considering he never even completed a semester of college so why would I consider his “diagnosis”!- and I went to my primary dr. I shared with her that I felt stressed, anxiety, loneliness and sadness. The Dr asked me more questions about my personal life and when I felt triggered. Guess what… She said not only do I NOT have anxiety/postpartum- it was my then partner and HIS MOM! She noticed that every time he banned together with his mom, or his mom was left alone with me, I was triggered and abused by them.

Not one person questioned HIS diagnosis of me, and not one person looked at my clinical chart via the dr, or asked me about it personally. They all blindly believed him. These same people, including a new mom herself, even went into court stating he told her I had postpartum depression and was unfit to be a mom.

This baffled me.

That’s until I later did research, such as this article from National Library of Medicine.

Did you know that women who experience domestic violence at the hands of their partner are three times more likely to develop postpartum depression?

Let me say it again: women who are in abusive relationships are more likely to be (mis)diagnosed with postpartum depression- as in, professionals seem to ignore the domestic violence and lack of support, and (mis)diagnose the woman with an issue. The association between abuse and PPD are rarely examined.

Sure, mom’s can be diagnosed with PPD/PPA. We know this. But it makes sense that the feelings and experiences are intensified when you are in an abusive relationship. It also makes sense that if you are in an abusive relationship and you have a baby with your abuser, that your feelings of depression, lack of support, emotional distress, and helplessness all become intensified. Combine that with the sexual demands of your partner and the lack of sleep due to your partner not helping much- I’m exhausted just thinking about it. Of course these same women are going to mimic true PPD symptoms.

When I started asking other mothers who were in DV relationships, most of them said the “symptoms” disappeared when they left the relationship. This tells me it was not truly postpartum, and it was their abusive partner.

As much as I would like to say this may reduce (or even go away) after you leave your abuser, it could be a situation like mine where I had no idea he was saying this until I left and filed for official custody in court via a restraining order due to the abuse and coercive control. I wish I could also say that this was the only diagnosis he made up for the entertainment of the courts, but it wasn’t. This became a pattern for him throughout the years, and I wish I knew this before going into family court, especially with him.

If you feel that you may have postpartum depression, or unsure if it is abuse, please be honest with your Dr as well as speaking to advocates in domestic violence. Together they can provide resources and advice. They may also be able to provide you with your clinical charts so you can stay ahead of the game in knowing your diagnosis- or lack of- so you are not only NOT gaslit into thinking you have anything (via your partner) but you could be better prepared for their false narratives in court.

To start strategizing your escape from your abuser and prepare against these tactics, click here to start with a 30 minute phone call with Tori of Onyx Arrow Consulting.