7 common plays in the coercive controllers playbook
I remember being in a relationship thinking there’s no way this is abuse, especially because he pride himself on not putting his hands on me. Never left one physical mark. At this time in my life, I had no idea abuse could be more cover than that. That coercive controllers have no empathy and will continue to annihilate you and deplete you to nothing- oftentimes without ever putting a hand on you.
Coercive control is a form of abuse that involves establishing dominance and control over another person. This type of control is often subtle and insidious, involving a pattern of behaviors aimed at manipulating, intimidating, and restricting the freedom of the victim. The abuser uses these tactics to maintain power and control over the victim, creating an environment of fear and dependency. Many of these tactics are not obvious signs of abuse, and most victims do not realize they were victims of coercive control for many years. When you try and escape a coercive controller they utilize tactics that seem like plays out of a playbook. Educating yourself on these “plays” will keep you one step ahead of your coercive controlling ex.
Here are 7 common tactics (plays) that they may attempt:
Sending “word salads” :
A “word salad” is a jumble of words or phrases strung together in a seemingly random manner, lacking coherence or logical connection. A word salad makes it difficult for listeners (you and court professionals!) to grasp the intended message. The term "word salad" vividly captures the image of a mixed medley of words tossed together haphazardly, leaving recipients perplexed and struggling to find meaning in the chaotic message.
The abuser will thrive off of the chaos and confusion within the word salad they send all while you attempt to respond to their allegations and start looking like part of the problem. This chaos and confusion is what abusers feed off of in family court and what continues litigation ($$$).
blocking medical services:
Abusers may block access to medical services primarily to maintain control over their victims. By restricting their ability to seek medical help, abusers can further isolate and manipulate their victims, making it harder for them to receive care or assistance that could help them break free from the abusive situation. This control tactic can instill fear in victims, making them more hesitant to seek help or report the abuse. Additionally, limiting access to medical services can prevent evidence of abuse from being documented, further enabling the abuser to continue their harmful behavior without consequences. Abusers may block the services of their direct victims (you) as well as their children. Oftentimes they do this to conceal the abuse the children are enduring at the hands of the abusive parent. Coercively controlling parents seek to avoid legal consequences, public scrutiny, and the risk of being being seen for who they really are. They do not care about the well-being of their partners, their children or anyone other than themselves.
sabotaging your relationship with the children
While some may think I mean “parental alienation” (which I do not support) sabotaging the relationship is something completely different. Coercive controllers want to ruin your relationship with the children out of spite and act on this in various ways. What is most interesting is that when you obey their demands, or return to the relationship with the coercive controller, they go back to supporting your relationship with the children and promote you being a “good parent” rather than their fake script of you being a “bad parent”. This is simply out of spite and their lack of control over you.
Inconsistent communication
Typically coercive controllers will groom you to respond within a certain timeframe and will react negatively when you do not. Many will create a verbal or written statement, or reaction, to continue this pattern, however once you escape the relationship the inconsistencies start. Now what do I mean by this exactly? Coercive controllers will start with one pattern of communication, and then out of the blue ignore or slow down the communication all while twisting the narrative to make it appear that you are the problem. Once you continue with the first “programming” of communication and they slow down, they tell others you communicate too much. Then to throw everyone for a loop they may pick the communication back up and claim you do not communicate enough. There is no middle ground for them and they will never agree to a pace of communication.
Utilizing outsiders
Abusers often strategically use outsiders to perpetuate their abusive behavior, manipulating perceptions and gaining allies in their harmful actions. By presenting a different persona to the outside world, abusers can create doubt and confusion among those who are not privy to the abusive dynamics. This manipulation serves to isolate the victim further, making it harder for them to seek help and exposing them to further harm. By enlisting the support or silence of outsiders, abusers reinforce their control and authority, making it challenging for the victim to break free from the cycle of abuse.
Projecting
Your coercive controller will project on to you exactly what they are doing. Without feeling any empathy towards your abuser we need to understand that the projection is a defense mechanism where individuals attribute their own unacceptable thoughts, feelings, or behaviors onto someone else. This can manifest in various forms, such as projecting feelings of inadequacy onto a partner or blaming others for their own aggressive impulses. By projecting these negative aspects onto another person, the individual avoids taking responsibility for their actions and shifts the focus away from their own underlying issues. Recognizing and addressing projection of abuse is crucial in promoting healthy relationships and personal growth.
Parroting
While some may think parroting, or repeating, behavior or statements shows active listening, your abuser uses it a different way. A way that is to bait you and confuse everyone else around. The use this tactic because your abuser is not creative or aware enough to make their own claims and statements so they will often follow you in your claims. Sometimes the “parroting” will happen soon after your claims, it could be months later or years later. When you mention a concerning action or reasoning- that is valid- they put it in their memory bank to later use against you. This often is confusing because with a healthy and “typical” person it may seem like a valid claim, but your ex is intentionally using it for evil.
By knowing the tactics, or what I like to call “The Secret Playbook”, of your abuser you can prepare to navigate your journey. This journey of escaping abuse, or post separation abuse, is a deeply challenging and courageous path for individuals to embark upon. It involves a complex blend of emotions, fears, and uncertainties.
Resources are available if you are preparing to leave or wanting to learn more during your journey.
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