The flame that brings you warmth, burns you.

Let me guess, when you first met your partner it felt like the best connection you’ve ever had and the chemistry was next level, Right? And let me guess, You had an intense connection, they said they would do everything for you, that they would provide an amazing life for you, and that you were everything they wanted in a partner, right? This is exactly how all of my abusive exes started. And yes, I have had multiple- which is something not enough people talk about… falling into the hands of multiple abusive relationships.

I can recall when he told me I was the best thing he ever had. That his family wanted him to settle down and marry, and I was exactly who he wanted to marry and start a family with. He told me that when we were younger and first met he messed up by not committing to a full relationship with me, and this time he didn’t want to let me go. I was told I was a dream girl, the person that would change him into a better man, the one who would keep his life on a good path, the one to be the only mother of his children. He knew I had a child from a previous relationship and her father abandoned her, and he could see me hustling to provide but wanted to make sure I didn’t struggle anymore. I was told we’d get a bigger place together, our names on everything together, divorce would never be a discussion and he would always be faithful. I was sold the entire dream.

This was until I started having a voice. Then the flame and anger turned towards me. Each time.

I was isolated and alone. He was allowed to attend work events and be around co-workers but I was not. He was allowed to hide his phone, but I was not. He was allowed to contact his family by calls and making plans together, but I was not. I was forced to care for children, but was told when he was off work he did not want to be a dad. If I was to leave the house he would have to go with me, or at minimum I would have to check in with him and check out with him. I had my children with me constantly and even could not attend most places for my own health including dentists and therapy.

I can recall when I mentioned why I didn’t have more help around the house and I was yelled at. I was chased into rooms, and even after I shut the door to separate myself he would yell through the door and flood me with texts and calls to get through to me. He would complain that I was not jumping for joy and filled with happiness the second he walked in from work after I was taking care of children all alone all day long- without even a break on his days off work because he would claim I was cheating on him if I was not around him. Even if I asked him to help with the children he would tell his friends and family that I could not be a fit mother because I asked for him to be an active parent.I can recall one time he got so mad he punched the fence. I can recall when I was pregnant with his child and he panicked and decided he didn’t want to be a dad so he requested I have an abortion- when I said no he threatened to kill people.

I actually had no idea this was all a form of abuse. I knew I was not happy and was able to attend a women’s only gym and spoke up to the owner of the gym about my relationship. She stated she knew a therapist who was willing to do in-home sessions which was exactly what I needed since I was not allowed to leave the home. He would often take his lunch the same time as my therapy sessions and sit in the room closest to where I was doing therapy so he could listen in. Both myself and the therapist would ask him to leave and he would not. My therapist even stated, “be careful of that one. The quiet ones are often the worse ones.” Yet, even with all of this, I still did not identify it with abuse or how “scary” he was.

This was because he was such a smooth talker from the beginning and everyone around us said he was a nice guy. It never occurred to me that the people around us were his own family, his friends, and girls he was flirting with- none of them were my own people, none of them were neutral third parties. I can recall how the public viewed him as such a caring man, but I was never acknowledged on my birthday, Mothers day I was ignored and often treated myself to things, Christmas I had little to no gifts or told to wait and allow his family to celebrate their presents first, and valentines day was when I found proof of the cheating.

I had no idea that the conditioning starts from the beginning. What I mean by this is, abusers will slowly condition you to become immune to the abuse and continue to push the levels of abuse to condition you to more and more as you stay together. That love -bombing is a distraction from the beginning for you to believe they are this amazing person. They also use similar tactics to win over outsiders so that others believe they are not capable of abuse. They also love being popular and well-liked in the public eye. Many abusers will also mask being providers when it is actually financial abuse which is what makes it even more difficult to sift through in Family Court.

When you open yourself up to anyone, even an abuser, you never truly think they have bad intentions- based on your own moral compass. So when you abuser starts treating you poorly, it is hard to understand why someone would be so hurtful, and even start to question if you are the problem. There is no true light-bulb moment that they are an abuser, rather it is more like an oven warming up. I have personally experienced how the one you felt that burning, intense chemistry for is actually the same flame that turns around and burns you- without any remorse.

Abusers will burn you deep, take what means the most (usually the kids), and leave you left to heal with very little support system. You are left wondering how this could happen to you, trying to diagnose them to make sense of it, trying to piece together your life with little support system or funds, while also trying to mend your broken heart.

There is so much I wish I could have prepped more on, advised myself during this time, and strategized on- which is why I am here helping you. But just know, You can do this.

“Even in times of trauma, we try to maintain a sense of normality until we no longer can. That, my friends, is called surviving. Not healing. We never become whole again … we are survivors. If you are here today… you are a survivor. But those of us who have made it thru hell and are still standing? We bare a different name: warriors.” – Lori Goodwin