Time to Focus
You are worth more.
Is that hard for you to hear?
I bet it is hard to hear if you have been enduring an abusive relationship and groomed to accept the abuse. And if you are here reading this, you’re looking for help. I’m here to help you escape this abuse, and find your worth- because you are worth more.
Since the world runs on power and control, and your abuser holds power, you need to find secret your secret sauce: Strategy.
Now, don’t jump to trying to create a strategy without understanding your opponent. Many will become obsessive over trying to understand how a Narcissist works, researching a diagnosis or encouraging them to see a professional so they can be diagnosed with something. The reality is, diagnosis or no diagnosis- your ex is an abuser. Rather than being empathetic about a diagnosis - and giving them grace about it- you need to change your mindset and realize they are not only slowly destroying you, but putting you at risk for losing your children to CPS (we can revisit CPS another time). When you start investing more on you rather than them, that is when you start taking the steps to leaving.
Understanding your opponent is extremely important. Now this can be fairly complicated, so let’s just cover the basics - which will still get you somewhere.
Start observing, and stop reacting. Why? Your Narc/toxic ex will tell on themselves, give you their exact tactics and you can use this in your strategy planning. By observing you are not only strategy planning, you are also taking the first steps in removing yourself from the conflict - thus making it more clear for the courts to see you are not the perpetrator. Let me be clear, “not reacting” does not mean don’t defend yourself if you’re being abused. It does not mean consent if they are sexually abusing you. It does not mean allow them to abuse your children.
Let’s talk some examples of how to observe and not react:
Start noticing the phrases your abuser uses. Most of the time they will use phrases now that they will later use in their declaration or court filings against you. Start noticing if there is a certain time of day their abuse peaks. Is this because they drink? Is it because they use drugs? Does your abuser talk about their ex and play up the “crazy” claims about them? This likely will tell you traits about your abuser not the third party.
Strategies are used more frequently than you probably think! For example, This is exactly what sports teams do, such as football or basketball, before they play the opposing team. They will oftentimes watch videos of the opposing team so that they can see their common plays. This way they can not only be prepared, but use tactics to stop plays- so that they can win the game. Additionally, in baseball, there is a certain order the players bat. They do not bat their best player first- they will typically list the batting lineup with their best player in the middle. This is exactly how you should approach your situation- not show all of your cards right away.
So now… It’s time to refocus, observe, and strategize.
“Strategy without tactics is the slowest route to victory. Tactics without strategy is the noise to defeat.”- Sun Tzu